Ya Ain't No Pimp Naruto!
by Cack
Summary: Naruto buys an interesting costume and changes his life and the lives of people around him.


Naruto woke up from his nap, and for a moment was disoriented at the unfamiliar surroundings. It took him a moment to remember that he was hospitalized; although the doctors said he would be fine in just a few days, he was lucky someone stopped Neji before he really hurt Naruto. The genin-in-training thought back to yesterday and tried to figure out just what exactly went wrong...  
  
It was a blustery spring day in the Hidden Village of Leaves. Kakashi had told Naruto and his team mates that they would have a little bit of down time to do with as they pleased, be it some training or some R&R. It was about a quarter to noon and the academy was still in session, so he couldn't go bother Iruka for some ramen. Still, he had some money that was burning a hole into his pockets and decided he'd invest it into something more permanent than food. Walking through the busy marketplace, he almost walked past a newly opened store.  
  
It was a costume shop, but without a store window he didn't know what kind of costumes they sold. Intrigued, he opened the door and glanced up as a bell rang. The store was somewhat dim due to the lack of windows but not too dark to see the goods. And what goods they had was hard to say, the walls were filled with various costumes, as well as circular stands with a multitude of different costumes; various professions like firemen, cops, doctors, even Anbu masks and cloaks, as well as animal costumes, and some he just couldn't identify. From behind the counter a man wearing rather... flamboyant... clothing practically danced up to Naruto.  
  
"Why hello there little guy! Welcome to Hanzo's Costume Shop, if you need a costume we have it! And matter of fact, you are our first customer, on our first day of opening! To commemorate this special event, any costume you'd like is going to be half-off! So what do you say?" Naruto took a moment to digest what the shopkeep had told him. Looking about he noticed that all the costumes were of a rather high quality, and he was being offered a pretty nice deal as well. As a plus, the price tags he saw were rather inexpensive, too.  
  
"Well... I guess I'll buy something..." he said.  
  
"Great! So, what exactly are you looking for?"  
  
"Hmm... I dunno... it'd probably be something that'd get everyone's attention..."  
  
"Ah ha! I think I know something that would suit your needs just fine!"  
  
"Really? What is it?"  
  
"How does this look to you?" the store owner said as he pulled out a costume on a hanger. Naruto could only grin and reach for his wallet.  
  
"...so then what'd you do?"  
  
"At that point I could only keep on pushing."  
  
"Ew, gross!" Sakura exclaimed at the end of Ino's story. The two of them had met up during the day and, like Naruto, they were in the shopping area looking for something to buy. As Ino stopped to gaze in a store front's window, Sakura noticed there was a disturbance in the crowd up ahead. They seemed to be parting for someone, and that someone came into view.  
  
"Ino... you need to see this..." she said, tugging on Ino's sleeve. Ino looked to where Sakura was pointing and her jaw dropped slightly.  
  
"'Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man: no time to talk. Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around since I was born...'" Naruto was singing to himself in a high pitched voice as he strode down the street. His normal orange attire was replaced by a very radical new wardrobe.   
  
His normal rolled up orange pants were replaced by black dress-pants, on which was held up by a rhinestone belt, and he had pointed boots on his feet. His zip-up jacket was now a golden tank top, over which he had an opened zebra-striped jacket with deep pockets, and over that he had a very large purple fur coat with leopard print fur lining. He wore an over-sized purple fedora with a long pink and black feather sticking out of the green band around the hat. There were multiple necklaces adorning him, all of them gold and one of them had a large yen symbol encrusted with fake diamonds. His fingers also were fitted with fake diamond rings and in his right hand was a long cane that had a crystal ball top. Noticing the girls, he strolled over.  
  
"Oh God he saw us." Ino said, grabbing Sakura's shoulder in fear.  
  
"Where's my money?" Naruto said in a deep voice.  
  
"Money? What money?" Sakura asked, her cheeks burning red from embarrassment.  
  
"Damn, you hoes need to work the streets more!"  
  
"What did you just say to me?" Sakura demanded.  
  
"Oh no you did'nt!" Ino yelled back, snapping her fingers twice.  
  
"Ino, don't encourage him!" Sakura whispered to her friend.  
  
"Sheee-it. Bitches, I'll be back and I better be gettin' some cash." he warned and then swaggered off.  
  
"What the hell just happened?" Sakura asked.  
  
"I really don't know..." Ino replied.  
  
In the outskirts of the village, Rock Lee and TenTen were training their skills; Lee was punching a padded pole, and TenTen was working on her aim. It was the better part of an hour into training when they heard some voice singing and coming closer.  
  
"'Well now, I get low and I get high, and if I can't get either, I really try. Got the wings of heaven on my shoes. I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose.'"  
  
Naruto, decked out in his pimpin' gear, rounded a tree and walked up to TenTen, ignoring Lee.  
  
"Day-um baby, you be fine!"  
  
"Err, yes Naruto, I'm feeling fine, thanks." she turned her head to keep him in sight as he walked around her. Once he got behind TenTen, he poked her rump with the tip of his cane.  
  
"Hey!" she yelled and jumped around to face him.  
  
"No bedunk-a-dunk there!" Naruto said in a pleased tone. "How 'bout it baby, wanna come to this jockey's stable?"  
  
"No you jerk! What the hell are you doing?!" she said, offended. Lee got between her and Naruto.  
  
"You best step down little man..." Naruto warned.  
  
"Naruto, I don't know what'd gotten into you, but apologize to TenTen at once!" Lee said fiercely, his fists clenching in anger.  
  
"Get outta my grill before I pimp-slap you, fool!" Naruto raised his arm as if he was going to backhand Lee. Lee, for his part, kept calm, took TenTen by the shoulder and walked away.  
  
"Yo honey, call me when you ditch that loser!" Naruto yelled after them.  
  
Naruto had wandered back into town after his meeting with Lee and TenTen, looking for some more ninja booty. By luck he came apon Chouji and Shikamaru, who were talking about camouflage.  
  
"So I can understand using green for the woods, but what about those other colors thrown in, like the blacks and grays? Why not just go with a solid green?" Chouji asked his intelligent friend. Before Shikamaru could answer, Naruto spoke up.  
  
"Green for the money and gold for the honey!" he exclaimed loudly, making them both jump slightly and turn around.  
  
"'Sup homies?" Naruto asked. They both looked him over from head to toe.  
  
"...interesting get-up, Naruto." Chouji said. Naruto spun around on his pointed boots, making his fur jacket bellow out.  
  
"'Ya like the threads, Big C?"  
  
"Naruto..." Shikamaru slowly began, "...I don't know what you're doing, or why, but I do know that it will end horribly and I don't want myself or Chouji getting involved. Come on, Chouji." Shikamaru said then walked off. Chouji, knowing his friend was probably right to not get involved, followed.  
  
"I don't need no weak-ass kids encroaching on my turf!" he yelled after them, then again went on his pimping quest.  
  
Hinata was leaning against a building wall in the shade, taking a small break from her walk. She was enjoying her day-off, even the simple missions her team went on made her scared, and it was nice to relax. As she started to day dream, she heard singing.  
  
"'Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother, you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive. Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin', and we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.'" she focused to see a bizarrely dressed individual coming towards her. Hinata's hear skipped a beat as she realized it was Naruto, her crush.  
  
"Oooh, how you doin', baby?" Naruto said in a smooth voice.  
  
"F-fine..."  
  
"Damn right you fine!" Hinata blushed harder under the "compliment."  
  
"You have some... nice... clothing, Naruto." she struggled for words. Naruto reached past her and put his hand on the wall behind her, and leaned close to her.  
  
"Say baby, how'd you like to join this pimp on his quest to be the ultimate gangsta?"  
  
"A-all right..."  
  
Inside the Uchiha house hold, Sasuke was alone as usual reading over some old scrolls. He was using the time off to catch up on some important reading when there was a loud banging at the front door and he heard his rival and team mate Naruto yelling.  
  
"Hey! Got some fresh kunoichi poon-tang fo' sale! Open up!"  
  
Angry beyond words at the interruption, by Naruto of all people, he flung the door open.  
  
"You better have a damn good..." he faltered by the sight he saw. Naruto was still in his pimping clothes, but it was Hinata that took it.  
  
Her gray parka and blue pants were now gone. All she wore was a full mesh body-suit. Around her top was her forehead protector, which barely did its job of covering her. Down below was her normal pair of panties, but her feet were now bare. What Sasuke couldn't tell from the front was Naruto had, poorly, ripped the back of her panties to make a thong. To top it all off, there was a thick collar around her neck with a chain attached, leading to Naruto's free hand. Her eyes were downcast and she had her hands clasped in front of herself, clearly in above her head.  
  
"Ain't you ever see a lady before?" Naruto asked.  
  
A part of Sasuke's mind broke and he did something at that moment, something he couldn't remember the last time he did. Not even when his brother killed off all of his family had he done this. Sasuke slowly walked to a corner, sat facing it, hugged his knees, and cried.  
  
"Damn its good to be a gangsta." Naruto said, then tugged on the chain to get Hinata moving. They left Sasuke's place, leaving him to sort out the mental trauma himself.  
  
After the incident at Sasuke's, Naruto had finally gotten a potential customer. The man was hidden in the shadows of an alleyway, but it was clear he was interested.  
  
"So what's on the menu?" the man asked.  
  
"Five yen, hand-job. Ten yen, blow-job. Twenty yen, rim-job." Naruto listed off.  
  
"How's the blow-job?"  
  
"The blow-job is awesome." Naruto assured.  
  
"I think I'll take that."  
  
"Good choice. Now- hey, you sound kinda familiar."  
  
"Ah, no I don't." the man said nervously.  
  
"Yea you do..." Naruto peered into the darkness and caught glimpse of a familiar pair of sunglasses.  
  
"Ebisu! You rock-hound!" Naruto yelled, gathering even more attention than he already had.  
  
"Shit!" Ebisu yelled and hastily performed a jutsu. With a puff of smoke he vanished and Naruto walked away disgusted.  
  
"Damn ninja pervert..." he mumbled and walked down the street. "Step right up gentlemen, and ladies too, we got some great deals!" he put his hand on one person's shoulder and turned him around.  
  
"Yo dawg, how about- oh crap..." Naruto's dreams of pimping had shattered, the man he turned around was Neji, Hinata's cousin.  
  
Time seemed to freeze at that moment, as if Neji's shock was so great that the universe had to stop and observe the irony that just transposed. Although it was hard to tell with Neji's white eyes, Naruto was sure there were flames of rage dancing in them. Quickly he got behind Hinata.  
  
"Ho, defend your pimp!" he commanded. After a moment, Hinata fell to her knees and cried into her hands from the shame. Naruto turned to run, but felt Neji grab onto his fur coat and pull him back. The last thing he saw before he blacked out was a bandaged fist flying at his face...  
  
Back in the hospital bed, Naruto rubbed the shiner under his right eye. By all rights he deserved the beating from Neji. He wasn't sure where his pimp costume was, when he woke up he was in a hospital gown, but secretly he hoped he could get it back again, if just for the fact he could try to return it. Naruto had learned a lesson today, and he sighed at his stupidity.  
  
"Pimpin' ain't easy."  
  
THE END! 


End file.
